I don't think there are any right or wrong answers here.
I am a firm believer that you should stick at it, work through your problems and hopefully this brings you out the other side. However, this is not always true. If, having tried to work through the troubles that all relationships encounter, life is no better, why should you have to 'settle' for the hand you dealt yourself?
I am also a firm believer that children in a relationship are far, far better off with two happy, but seperated parents, than they are in a household where they see the two people they love most in the world ripping each other to bits day in and day out.
In your Mum's defence, I agree, that it does appear that the 'younger generation' give up more easily than the 'older generation' but then you have to ask yourself why?
Women today are far more empowered than they used to be. They are more independant, both mentally and financially, and I think this is why it is easier to follow your heart.
Years ago, women were often 'trapped' in a loveless marriage because there were no other options available to them.
Today, thank goodness, this is rarely the case.
We all deserve to be happy, you never know when your number will be up.
I say we all have a right to go after what we desire.
thru my eyes
· 2 years ago
I don't think we should judge until we have walked in other peoples shoes. What does mom think about abusive relationships or where there is alcoholism or addictions, infidelity. Should you stay in those relationships to keep the family together? Many times there are things the rest of us don't see going on in a home, I don't think we can make judgements when we don't know the facts. And do you want to live with someone that doesn't love you anymore and is just there for other reasons, is there because of a sense of duty?? I do think some of us are selfish in our desires but I also think maybe that is a reason not to be married. I think I disagree with mom. In principle it would be nice if we all could just be content but martyrs we all, aren't. Sorry Mom. I do agree that though that you must be a great mom, you raised a wonderful daughter. xo TME
Shelly Rayedeane
· 2 years ago
I disagree with your mother in some retrospects because of things which have happened in my life. You see, my mother stayed with my father for far too long, and he was a very abusive person. Part of her staying so long was due to the fact that she didn't make enough money on her own to raise us 3 kids when we were little, and the other part was do to the fact of her "families belief system" and how she was raised. Now, I don't mean to bring up religion here on your blog, but I do think it is a primary reason why most older indivuals develop their mindset, and why they think people should stay together through thick and thin. Now, I find nothing wrong with this train of thought, when the people involved have a LOVING marriage. However, I think there is something really dysfunctional happening when two people stay together for years and years when they are totally miserable. My mother was like this. She stayed with my father, even though he beat her, because her parents told her she would rot in hell if she were to ever get a divorce. And this was all due to a religious belief system which was forced down my mother's throat at a very young age. Do we give up to easily nowadays where relationships are concerned? Well, of course we do. Most women aren't in a position (in some countries) where men control all of the money coming into the household now. The money factor, in my opinion, is usually where all the control issues come into play. Furthermore, women are also allowed to become educated and are allowed to vote now. Does this necessarily make are generation worse off then the last? I don't think so. Now, please don't take this wrong. I don't want to sound like I'm putting down your mum Laney. I just think her generation, like generations before, were far more ignorant about some things, and never tried to educate their minds beyond what they had learned from relatives. It's like they accepted what that were told at birth to be the "complete truth" rather than seeking out their own truth with their own individuality. And in my opinion, individuality gets thrown out the door when someone is oppressed. It might sound mean, but it's the truth. They were never allowed to have the same freedoms as us, so of course they don't think the same way. They aren't, and still aren't, as independant as today's generation. Does this make their opinions less valuable? Of course it doesn't. Ultimately, just realize that they'll never think the way you do because they come from a different generation, my dear. It's like trying to change an apple into an orange. It never works. With my own mother, at times I still feel like banging my head against the wall. You can analyze it to death just like I do Laney, but the end result will probably still always be the same. Your mum is your mum, and you are you. Do what you feel is right. Be happy. You deserve it.
Emma
· 2 years ago
Hi miss
One of the things I am getting to know through my therapist is that you have to do things for yourself.
I know this sometimes appears selfish but I know from previous relationships that if it is not right it is not right, no amount of trying to make so will help.
I can see where your mum is coming from because if my dad was still alive they would have been married 47 years today or would they?? Don't think my mum is of the same opinion as yours but my gran certainly was and rammed it down anybodies throat who would listen.
It is down to personal choice and possibly if you are prepared to settle for something you don't really want.
xx
Leigh
· 2 years ago
Wow Miss U that is one packed question for a Monday morning. I somewhat agree with your mom. I do think it is way too easy to walk away from a marriage now, in someways. The commitment isn't there like it use to be.
I look at my grandparents who have been married for 60 years this July. I know for a fact they had a marriage that was far from easy. They had their ups and downs. I am sure that if they had been married in the year 2000 they would never have made it to 2060. Now they walk holding hands and sit on their swing overlooking the ocean and they look like teenages trapped in an older shell. The love is there. I don't know if it always has been there, but it is now.
I believe marriage is about growing. I am sure through out a life time you do grow apart, but I also think with time there is change and you may grow back together as well.
I will never be able to prove this as marriage and I don't seem to work, and for me to be married for 60 years well I better find love today and hope I live to be very very old. LOL!!
Have a good Monday my dear friend. Don't forget to breath.
Heather
· 2 years ago
This sums it up for me. In many area's I agree with your Mum. I do agree that after some years have passed that marriage/relationship becomes about companionship. I do think that alot of people walk away from relationships thinking that they will find what has disappeared from their current relationship somewhere else. However, I do feel that the union does not have to stale. I think if BOTH people work EVERYDAY in keeping the things that drew them together in the first place alive, and have made the commitment within their hearts to STAY together, I think it can work AND be fulfilling. I hope so anyway...
Have a better day...
KJ
· 2 years ago
Damn.....
I don't know.
Gledwood
· 2 years ago
Hi I found you at Dan's blog ... I love the name... join the club on that one ... as for people's purile inquisitiveness:: well that's just human nature!! What does that thing mean returning visitors? I don't get graphs like that. Just pie charts. Did you know I get more readers from Singapore and Malaysia than the UK?? How bizarre is THAT?!!! Great blog you got here btw ! ...
George
· 2 years ago
Miss U ... I agree with your mum on one thing in particular and, I think that most of the other commenters agree as well. Yes we walk away very easily ... but that doesn't mean we don't hurt for walking away. I walked away to save my life and to give the children a better home life (better than watching/listening to fighting). I want to give my children a good home life and it could not be done with both of us there. I left when I was 52 ... it's never too late because you don't/can't live your life for what others may thing. To live in dreariness or pain or frustration does not make for a good relationship. We are not here for very long in the grand scheme of things so let's enjoy the little time we have ... whether it be a few months or several decades ... by all means, try and make your relationship work, try very hard but if it cannot be a pleasure for either or both of you, do yourselves the favor of ending it amicably
By the way, this September my parents will celebreate their 60th wedding anniversary.
Nicholas
· 2 years ago
I disagree with your mum. There's nothing wrong than being stuck in a dead marriage, and staying together for the sake of the children -- so they can share your misery -- is wrong too. You only have one life and it is very wrong to waste yours, and your spouse's, by sticking at a failed union.
Cherrie
· 2 years ago
How did you do that bar chart thing? And why don't people come back here every day? I love my visits!
On to the main subject (and skipping the cat barf):
All of your comenters have hit on themes that come to my mind. Let me focus on one: I don't think human nature has changed too much through time. Marriage is an institution that exists primarily to protect children. 2,000 years ago, when the Bible was written, people did not live much longer than 40 or so years, just long enough to see their children grow up. There was no birth control, and attempted childbirth was often lethal. In that context, "till death do you part" has a different meaning than it does today.
Now we can control (fairly well) when we decide to reproduce while enjoying the pleasures of sex all the time. Now people commonly live into their 70s and 80s. Why can't or shouldn't they engage in multiple relationships during that longer lifespan as their needs and interests change, as they are bound to do?
And that's exactly what people are doing. In the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. And, for the most part, we see nothing wrong with that.
Miss Understood
· 2 years ago
Rather than answer you all individually, I just thought I’d sum it all up here. I think everyone seems to agree that if a marriage is dysfunctional, abusive, or full of pain, and especially if children are getting caught up in it, then it’s right to walk away. I just want to clarify that My Mum completely agrees with that too (she is divorced herself). She also fully supports mine and Rob’s decision to separate.
What I was actually trying to get at though, is perhaps easier understood by reading a part of Leigh’s comment, regarding her Grandparents who have been married for 60 years…..
“Now they walk holding hands and sit on their swing overlooking the ocean and they look like teenagers trapped in an older shell. The love is there. I don't know if it always has been there, but it is now.”
The image of them sitting on the swing and holding hands is absolutely beautiful…especially after all that time. But what if there was no love, just friendship? What if the intimacy had gone? What if they were just two people going through the motions of a marriage, but with no real desire for each other anymore? What if they were in their sixties, and not their eighties, and still craved a sexual, passionate and loving relationship, but didn’t have that with each other? What if, after a 40 year marriage, that side of the relationship had just died? Then what? Do they just shrug their shoulders and carry on? Or do they walk away?
I just think it’s such a difficult sacrifice...to either give up that hope for love in order to maintain the stability of the whole family (children, grandchildren, extended family), or to literally shatter that stability of a 40 year history (as well as having to sell a home which has taken years and years of hard work to make it as wonderful as it is) to go in search of it.
This is what my Mum and I were discussing. She thinks it would be wrong to leave. And I am completely torn.
Thanks everyone, for your input. x
Miss Understood
· 2 years ago
Cherrie - The bar chart is a snapshot from my statcounter. If you haven't got one....got to www.statcounter.com and sign up. It's free!
Akelamalu
· 2 years ago
Sorry I didn't comment yesterday I was doing the Blog silence.
You have to do what's right for you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If it feels right do it. x
Blessed
· 2 years ago
Okay, can I be totally honest? I kinda feel like your mum. Notice KINDA being the keyword. I see her point. I have been married for 8 years going on 9. No kids here. Just me and him. I definitely feel like so much has changed. You get settled with someone. The passion isn't as high as it once was. I guess it ebbs and flows. Some long dry spells. We fight. Oh God how we fight! I want to kill him! He gets on my nerves. I know I have gotten on his!! I have thought about divorce when I was so freakin' angry and felt so sad. I have thought to myself at bad times--do I deserve this? Is there someone else out there that maybe I would get along better with? Someone who I have more in common with? Becuz I will be honest, there have many of a time, where I have felt we had nothing in common. And then poof! I'm fine. We get along. There still is attraction, all the sudden there is a little something we have in common. We both feel in sync. It's really a rollercoaster ride this marriage thing. Ups and downs. Around the bend. Upside down, thru the loop and then a bit of a fun ride. It's maddening and exhilarating. It's dull and it's fun. Every relationship is different. Before I got hitched,no one could have ever explained to me how marriage truly is. But here's my thing, again, this is just my thing, and I don't hold my opinions, or what I need on anybody else, there is just something in me that believes that I don't give up. I took vows before God, my family and friends, that I take this man for life. For good and bad. For sickness and health, for richer or poorer, blah, blah, blah......till death do us part. NOW if cheated, or became some raving idiot that endangered my life, if everything good about him left him, and every once of love, respect and admiration that he had for me left him then I might have to reconsider what all I vowed to God. But this is just me and everyone is different, I fully believe, too, that one should do what is best for them!!!!!! I wish my husband would go take walks with me, he doesn't except for maybe a few vacation trips to the beach. I wish my husband would go shopping with me, but he would rather break his leg first. I wish so many things, but all in all, I know what I got is really good now if I only I can remember this when I want to strangle him when he has annoying buzz on!!!
I think you are awesome Miss U. I think you know in your heart and soul is best for you. No else can tell you that. As no one else can tell me what is best for me. No one knows themselves better than themselves.
You don't stay in a marriage becuz you want a badge. You stay in marriage becuz in every ounce of your being you feel it is right even when sometimes it feels so wrong.
But if you feel more wrong than right I can understand....... I think you deserve everything you are hoping for--- that love and happiness. I do feel some couples have more of it than others. Passion can be kept alive but it takes two and one can't do it alone. Terrible feeling to feel that when you are with someone but feel so utterly alone. Terrible feeling to feel as tho you're missing out on the love and happiness you know you deserve.
My love and blessings!
Miss Understood
· 2 years ago
akelamalu - I wasn't aware of the blog silence until I saw it on your blog. Had I known, I would have taken part. No apologies necessary at all. x
Blessed - That was wonderfully written and it summed up so much of what marriage is or at least should be about. You are brillantly articulate sometimes, d'ya know that? Thanks for taking the time to say all you did. x
All Comments
http://sleepingeyes.blogspot.com/2007/04/fao-those-who-arrive-here-via-google.html
I am a firm believer that you should stick at it, work through your problems and hopefully this brings you out the other side. However, this is not always true. If, having tried to work through the troubles that all relationships encounter, life is no better, why should you have to 'settle' for the hand you dealt yourself?
I am also a firm believer that children in a relationship are far, far better off with two happy, but seperated parents, than they are in a household where they see the two people they love most in the world ripping each other to bits day in and day out.
In your Mum's defence, I agree, that it does appear that the 'younger generation' give up more easily than the 'older generation' but then you have to ask yourself why?
Women today are far more empowered than they used to be. They are more independant, both mentally and financially, and I think this is why it is easier to follow your heart.
Years ago, women were often 'trapped' in a loveless marriage because there were no other options available to them.
Today, thank goodness, this is rarely the case.
We all deserve to be happy, you never know when your number will be up.
I say we all have a right to go after what we desire.
What does mom think about abusive relationships or where there is alcoholism or addictions, infidelity. Should you stay in those relationships to keep the family together? Many times there are things the rest of us don't see going on in a home, I don't think we can make judgements when we don't know the facts.
And do you want to live with someone that doesn't love you anymore and is just there for other reasons, is there because of a sense of duty?? I do think some of us are selfish in our desires but I also think maybe that is a reason not to be married.
I think I disagree with mom. In principle it would be nice if we all could just be content but martyrs we all, aren't.
Sorry Mom. I do agree that though that you must be a great mom, you raised a wonderful daughter.
xo
TME
One of the things I am getting to know through my therapist is that you have to do things for yourself.
I know this sometimes appears selfish but I know from previous relationships that if it is not right it is not right, no amount of trying to make so will help.
I can see where your mum is coming from because if my dad was still alive they would have been married 47 years today or would they?? Don't think my mum is of the same opinion as yours but my gran certainly was and rammed it down anybodies throat who would listen.
It is down to personal choice and possibly if you are prepared to settle for something you don't really want.
xx
I look at my grandparents who have been married for 60 years this July. I know for a fact they had a marriage that was far from easy. They had their ups and downs. I am sure that if they had been married in the year 2000 they would never have made it to 2060. Now they walk holding hands and sit on their swing overlooking the ocean and they look like teenages trapped in an older shell. The love is there. I don't know if it always has been there, but it is now.
I believe marriage is about growing. I am sure through out a life time you do grow apart, but I also think with time there is change and you may grow back together as well.
I will never be able to prove this as marriage and I don't seem to work, and for me to be married for 60 years well I better find love today and hope I live to be very very old. LOL!!
Have a good Monday my dear friend. Don't forget to breath.
Have a better day...
I don't know.
By the way, this September my parents will celebreate their 60th wedding anniversary.
On to the main subject (and skipping the cat barf):
All of your comenters have hit on themes that come to my mind. Let me focus on one: I don't think human nature has changed too much through time. Marriage is an institution that exists primarily to protect children. 2,000 years ago, when the Bible was written, people did not live much longer than 40 or so years, just long enough to see their children grow up. There was no birth control, and attempted childbirth was often lethal. In that context, "till death do you part" has a different meaning than it does today.
Now we can control (fairly well) when we decide to reproduce while enjoying the pleasures of sex all the time. Now people commonly live into their 70s and 80s. Why can't or shouldn't they engage in multiple relationships during that longer lifespan as their needs and interests change, as they are bound to do?
And that's exactly what people are doing. In the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. And, for the most part, we see nothing wrong with that.
What I was actually trying to get at though, is perhaps easier understood by reading a part of Leigh’s comment, regarding her Grandparents who have been married for 60 years…..
“Now they walk holding hands and sit on their swing overlooking the ocean and they look like teenagers trapped in an older shell. The love is there. I don't know if it always has been there, but it is now.”
The image of them sitting on the swing and holding hands is absolutely beautiful…especially after all that time.
But what if there was no love, just friendship? What if the intimacy had gone? What if they were just two people going through the motions of a marriage, but with no real desire for each other anymore? What if they were in their sixties, and not their eighties, and still craved a sexual, passionate and loving relationship, but didn’t have that with each other? What if, after a 40 year marriage, that side of the relationship had just died? Then what? Do they just shrug their shoulders and carry on? Or do they walk away?
I just think it’s such a difficult sacrifice...to either give up that hope for love in order to maintain the stability of the whole family (children, grandchildren, extended family), or to literally shatter that stability of a 40 year history (as well as having to sell a home which has taken years and years of hard work to make it as wonderful as it is) to go in search of it.
This is what my Mum and I were discussing. She thinks it would be wrong to leave.
And I am completely torn.
Thanks everyone, for your input. x
You have to do what's right for you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If it feels right do it. x
I kinda feel like your mum.
Notice KINDA being the keyword.
I see her point.
I have been married for 8 years going on 9. No kids here.
Just me and him. I definitely feel like so much has changed.
You get settled with someone.
The passion isn't as high as it once was. I guess it ebbs and flows. Some long dry spells.
We fight. Oh God how we fight! I want to kill him! He gets on my nerves. I know I have gotten on his!! I have thought about divorce when I was so freakin' angry and felt so sad. I have thought to myself at bad times--do I deserve this?
Is there someone else out there that maybe I would get along better with? Someone who I have more in common with? Becuz I will be honest, there have many of a time, where I have felt we had nothing in common. And then poof! I'm fine. We get along. There still is attraction, all the sudden there is a little something we have in common. We both feel in sync. It's really a rollercoaster ride this marriage thing. Ups and downs. Around the bend. Upside down, thru the loop and then a bit of a fun ride. It's maddening and exhilarating. It's dull and it's fun.
Every relationship is different.
Before I got hitched,no one could have ever explained to me how marriage truly is.
But here's my thing, again, this is just my thing, and I don't hold my opinions, or what I need on anybody else, there is just something in me that believes that I don't give up. I took vows before God, my family and friends, that I take this man for life.
For good and bad. For sickness and health, for richer or poorer, blah, blah, blah......till death do us part.
NOW if cheated, or became some raving idiot that endangered my life, if everything good about him left him, and every once of love, respect and admiration that he had for me left him then I might have to reconsider what all I vowed to God.
But this is just me and everyone is different, I fully believe, too, that one should do what is best for them!!!!!!
I wish my husband would go take walks with me, he doesn't except for maybe a few vacation trips to the beach.
I wish my husband would go shopping with me, but he would rather break his leg first.
I wish so many things, but all in all, I know what I got is really good now if I only I can remember this when I want to strangle him when he has annoying buzz on!!!
I think you are awesome Miss U.
I think you know in your heart and soul is best for you. No else can tell you that. As no one else can tell me what is best for me. No one knows themselves better than themselves.
You don't stay in a marriage becuz you want a badge. You stay in marriage becuz in every ounce of your being you feel it is right even when sometimes it feels so wrong.
But if you feel more wrong than right I can understand.......
I think you deserve everything you are hoping for--- that love and happiness. I do feel some couples have more of it than others.
Passion can be kept alive but it takes two and one can't do it alone. Terrible feeling to feel that when you are with someone but feel so utterly alone.
Terrible feeling to feel as tho you're missing out on the love and happiness you know you deserve.
My love and blessings!
Blessed - That was wonderfully written and it summed up so much of what marriage is or at least should be about. You are brillantly articulate sometimes, d'ya know that?
Thanks for taking the time to say all you did. x